What Is Sexual Assault?


The legal definition of sexual assault (rape) in Nevada under Nevada Revised Statues 200.366 is when a person subjects another person to sexual penetration, or who forces another person to make a sexual penetration on himself or herself or another, or on a beast, against the will of the victim or under conditions in which the perpetrator knows or should know that the victim is mentally or physically incapable of resisting or understanding the nature of his or her conduct.

In other words, in Nevada, sexual assault is defined as any form of sexual penetration, including vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, and oral sex (putting your mouth or tongue on or in the genitals of another person) or inserting an object or fingers into another without consent.

Sexual assault occurs when consent is not freely given.

What Is consent?


For many of us the word consent means to give permission or to say yes. While those are both true, the word consent means so much more than just saying yes.

Consent is:

  1. Freely given. Consent must be voluntary and mutual. Consent can also be given verbally or non-verbally.
  2. A process. If you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask. Ask every time and every step of the way.
  3. An active agreement. Always changing and evolving; consent can be given and taken away at any time during a sexual encounter. Anything that continues after consent is taken away is considered sexual assault.
  4. About equality. There is no difference in power between the partners. All people involved feel respected, valued, and appreciated. Consent is an understanding that all partners have the right to say yes, to say no, and to change their mind without fear of the other partners reaction.
  5. Sexy

Consent is not:
  1. The absence of a no. Just because someone does not say no does not mean they are saying yes! We are taught the slogan, no means no, but for true consent, there needs to be a clear yes. There are many situations when someone might not be able to say no; this could be because they are asleep or unconscious, if they are intoxicated, if they are scared, if they are in shock, and the list goes on. Consent is an honest and fearless yes.
  2. Implied or assumed, even within established relationships. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have permission to have sex with your partner whenever you choose or that you should have sex when you do not feel like it.
  3. Coerced sex. Coercion is when someone feels pressured or forced to perform sexually. If you are saying things to manipulate your partner into feeling obligated to be sexually intimate, that is not true consent. Statements like If you loved me then you would, We have already gone this far, you cannot make me stop now, I will tell everyone you did even if you do not, But I really like you, This is what people do when they are in love are examples of coercion. Allow your partner to communicate what they do and do not want, and be brave enough to do the same.
  4. Drug or alcohol induced. If your partner is too drunk to make decisions and communicate, they are too drunk to consent to sexual activity. If you are really interested in someone while you are drunk or while they are drunk, waiting until all people involved are sober is the best way to make sure everyone feels safe, happy, secure, and valued. It is how you have a healthy sexual relationship.

Once a person says no it does not matter if or what kind of sexual behavior has previously happened earlier that day, that month, or that year. It does not matter if the relationship just started, if you just met, or if you are married. If one partner does not give an honest yes and the other partner forces or coerces penetration: it is rape.

Consent cannot, by law, be given when a person is (no matter what s/he might verbalize):
  1. Intoxicated as a result of drugs and/or alcohol
  2. Unconscious or asleep
  3. Physically or mentally disabled
  4. Under the age of 16 years in Nevada.

Remember that consent is willing, knowing, sober, informed, and is an equal exchange of power. In all of the situations above, one of the partners has more power over the other either because of age, mental state, or full awareness of the situation.

How do I get consent?


So, do you want to know the best and coolest way to get consent? Ask your partners for permission! It really is that simple.

Consent does not have to be a document that you, your partner, and lawyers have to sign like this funny consent video shows. Keep it fun, silly, creative, sexy, and exciting.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

  1. Is this okay?
  2. I want to ____________. Would you like that too?
  3. What do you want me to do?
  4. Is there anything you do not want to do?
  5. Let me know if something does not feel okay.

What if I do not get consent?


There may be a time in your sexual relationships when you ask for consent and it is NOT given to you. This might make you feel embarrassed, disappointed, rejected, and pretty bummed out. Those are all normal feelings to have and it is okay to feel those things, but it is not okay to pressure your partner by making them feel guilty. Instead, this is another opportunity for communication so that you and your partner can discuss your relationship.

Here are some things that you can say after consent is taken away or if you are unsure if your partner is feeling comfortable:

  1. I hear you. I want to make sure you are feeling comfortable in everything we are doing.
  2. I care about you, and sex is not something we have to do to prove our feelings for each other, so I would rather wait until we are both ready.
  3. It is more important to me that you are feeling safe and excited to be intimate. You let me know when or if you want to go any further.
  4. Stopping is okay with me. Do you want to talk about anything or can I help support you in any way?
  5. I understand and I completely respect your decision.

Consent and Communication


Consent is more than just a verbal yes. It is not always easy to let partners know that you are unhappy with something. Sometimes a partner might look like they are happy doing something, but inside they are not. They might not know how to tell you that they are feeling uncomfortable for many reasons. They might not want to hurt your feelings, they might feel embarrassed, or they do not want to disappoint you. This is when you become an amazing partner by checking in many times throughout the sexual encounter, and even when you are not doing anything sexual. The more we communicate with our partners, the healthier our relationships will be!

Non-Verbal Consent


There are many ways of communicating. Sometimes we feel comfortable using our words to communicate our thoughts and feelings, but other times it might be hard to find the right words. A large portion of our communication style is from our non-verbal communication, which can be body language, eye contact, facial expressions, and muscle tension. Recognizing a partners body language is a key component of consent.

Here are some ways body language can let you know if the person you are with is not comfortable with what is happening:

  1. Not responding to your touch
  2. Pushing you away
  3. Holding their arms tight around their bodies
  4. Turning away from you or hiding their face
  5. Stiffening muscles or showing other non-verbal cues.

Creating Boundaries


Asking questions, listening, and being aware of body language will help you make sure that your partner is comfortable. Checking for consent is the best way to ensure that healthy sexual relationships are being established.

Whether you are looking for a hook up, a hot and heavy make out sesh, or some ways that you can spice up your long-term relationship, it is important that you know what you want from your sexual relationship with others and what you do not want. You could write these things out, have a conversation with your partner about it, or even play some fun games with each other like a hot & cold game (just like the one you used to play when you were a kid, You are getting hotter, nope now you are colder, frigid, Antarctica!) Or you can create a Yes, No, and Maybe Chart together where you can talk about body parts, actions, and what activities are ok, not okay, and things you are willing to try with each other. Creating clear boundaries for yourself and understanding your partners needs, will make intimacy fun, interactive and enjoyable for everyone.

There are many types of intimacy that do not involve sex, oral sex, or any form of penetration. Intimacy can include holding hands, hugging, kissing, writing love notes, talking on the phone, a massage, touching, as well as sex.

You might really enjoy kissing but do not feel ready for sex, that is your boundary! Set your boundary and have that conversation with your partner(s). If a partner uses coercion to push your boundaries, remember that your consent decision is your right and it is a great and healthy thing to stand by your boundaries. Trust yourself. If a partner pressures you, that is not consent.

You might have had sex in the past, and possibly with the same partner before, but just because it has happened in the past does not mean it has it happen again. This is your choice and that must be respected. Kissing and getting intimate does not need to lead to sex every time, or at all if you are not ready.

Sometimes things can move very quickly, and it is absolutely okay to take your time and make sure that everyone involved is comfortable. If your boundary is being crossed and you do not want to go any further you have the right to make your voice heard, and with a consensual sexual relationship, it will be.

Some ways to let your partner know you what to slow things down:

  1. Can we stay like this for a while?
  2. I like what we are doing right now but I do not want to go any further than this.
  3. Things are moving too fast for me.
  4. I do not want to stop but I want to slow things down for a while.
  5. You always have the right to change your mind and to say slow down, wait, and especially no, regardless of the situation. It does not matter how far you have already gone or have not gone in the past, or what you might have said earlier that day. You have the right to change your mind.
  6. If your partner tells you to stop, says no at any time, or has body language that shows they are uncomfortable it is up to YOU to listen, stop and check in with your partner before going any farther.

What Makes True Consent Sexy

  1. Enhances communication, respect, and honesty, which helps make sex and relationships healthier
  2. Builds confidence and self-esteem for everyone involved.
  3. Identifies your personal beliefs and values while respecting those of your partner
  4. Communicates the type of physical relationship you want to have
  5. Takes responsibility for your own decisions
  6. Creates discussions that protect yourself and your partner against STD (sexually transmitted disease) and pregnancy
  7. Acknowledges that your body and your sexuality do not belong to anyone else but you.

If someone says yes because they are afraid to say no, IT IS NOT CONSENT.